Twistedz

Photo by dmitry

Hey all.

It’s your dependable sorta trusty occasionally faithful blog writer here to again to attempt to make you squirt milk from your nose. Have any of you actually tried this though? Let me tell you it is weird as FUDGE. Like sneezing white-out. See? Weird.

Meanwhile.

You guys didn’t honestly think I had gone for good did you?

Don’t answer that.

As you can see I’ve been busy redoing the blog design. Trying to get everything in order for the the big relaunch and writing up some posts in advance. No I’m not on crack. It’s just that it’s Summer and I had some time. Maybe some day I will entertain you with a post detailing all of the issues I encountered in trying to revamp the blog and how exactly I got these patches in my head but not now. Now is the time for me to discuss Summer.

Summer! Yeah! Summer’s awesome right guys? Longer than Spring Break and Christmas combined and full of fun frolicking in the sea, sand and sun. It’s the best!

…Or is it?

We’re all made to believe that Summer is the shiz bomdiggidy because it comes directly after wearing your fingernails down to nubs waiting to see if you’ve been promoted to the next form/grade. After that sort of stress any sort of break (to erase the bags under your eyes and perhaps take up the fine art of showering again) is a welcome relief. But is it really all it’s cracked up to be? In this post I’ll attempt to deduce whether or not Summer is all that’s stellar and fly.

Pro #1: Schooooool’s Out for Summer!

Probably the biggest thing in favour of Summer is that you don’t have to deal with school. As that one famous rhyme goes:

No more pencils. No more books

No more teachers’ dirty looks.

That’s right kiddies. No more attempted suicide with your erasers. No more losing sleep and hair and friends over the exams you’re bound to fail anyway. No more having your feelings dragged through the mud when your teacher looks at the assignment you laboured over for the past  two weeks and says.

“What is this? Tissue Papers? Uggh” and then she chucks it in the bin.

Retrieves it. Blows her nose with it and chucks it in again.

Verdict: Summer +10

Con #1: You Have To Go Back To School

Which almost totally sucks the epic out of leaving the darn place in the first place. If you ever feel that strange foreboding sense of doom a long ways into your vacation then understand it’s not the funny smelling cheese you ate before bed.

Ok it might be.

But chances are it’s actually your subconscious reminding you it’s time to go back to prison school.

Verdict: Summer –5

Pro #2: You Have More Free Time

To knit or take up a summer job or…cry. Really whatever you want to do now is possible because of the absence of school. So go on and learn to juggle flying squirrels! Finish the Chinese novel you’ve been writing ever since you can remember. It doesn’t even matter that you don’t know Chinese! Those projects you’ve been holding off on because you’ve been to busy with schoolwork are now entirely possible.

Well sorta anyway.

Verdict: Summer +5

Con #2: Your Parents Have Your Free Time

I don’t know about you but I always seem to have a substantial amount of my free time sucked away by my parents like cake in front of a fat kid. One minute I’m sitting at the table, calmly enjoying a cup of french vanilla coffee as the sun slowly begins to rise and then BOOM! Selling high-fructose corn snacks to a bunch of hyperactive toddlers at a summer-camp. Happens ALL the time.

Soon you’ll find your parents asking you to help out more around the house. It starts out subtle enough – they ask you to carry out the garbage or clean your room and then BOOM! Washing with the car whilst simultaneously cutting the lawn with a scissors and massaging Parental Unit One’s bunions.

Verdict: Summer –5

Pro #3: You Can Hang With Your Fave Five

You know them. You know them well. They are your peeps. Your home-dawgs. Your inner circle if you will. You’ve keyed cars and defaced school property with them. They’re your friends through and through and now that school’s over you get to see them even more. To me this is what makes Summer awesome. This is what makes all the other cons null and void because you get to be with the people you love.

Verdict: Summer +20

Con #3: Your Best Friend Will Leave Forever and Never Return

Because you know.

Sometimes that stuff happens.

Sometimes their so and so, badword mother will decide that they need to uproot their children yet again for whatever reason despite the fact that they might have gotten attached to their new home. Sometimes it just comes so unexpectedly that it knocks you off your feet and makes you want to grab the nearest clown and decapitate it. Sometimes despite how you feel you can’t do anything about it.

Not to say it happens all the time but when it does.

Man.

That stuff’s not right.

Verdict: Summer –20000000

Total Verdict:

Summer sucks.

Epically.

P.S: Ok I swear that stuff wasn’t directed at you Mrs. Leslie…honest…